Regrets
by ShadowSoulN7
Summary: Fenris regrets leaving Hawke, but knows there are better people for her. His thought for her never change, but he is unable to tell her. LadyHawkeXFenris
1. Chapter 1

It had been almost three year since that night, that night that he had been such a sodding fool.

If she hated him, it would be for the best. The Champion of Kirkwall deserved better then a runaway elven slave. There were others, others who could give her what she needed, unlike him.

She deserved an explanation, and he knew that, but he didn't know what to say to her. He had tried, many times, thought of the answer thousands of times, but nothing seemed right to tell her.

Fenris held the scarf that she had given him, looking at it as if he looked away, it would be gone, never to be seen. The one edge that she had ripped was ragged, but it held together. He was sure it wouldn't, not with all the battles he went through, but Sandal had helped.

All of his thoughts were focused on her, on Kathrine Morgana Hawke. Her warm lips, soft skin, tender touch, sooting voice, emerald eyes, silk-like raven hair...

The elf shook his head, trying to scatter the thoughts, but they lingered in his mind. The one woman he had cared for, who cared for him as a person and not a slave, he had walked away from.

He remembered the night with her, as if had been only the night before, not three years.

"Such a fool," he muttered. There was a knock on the door and it opened with only a squeak.

"Fenris?" a famine voice called. "Are you at home?" He quickly tied the scarf around his wrist before replying.

"Hawke?"

"So you are at home?" she huffed, appearing in the doorway. "Well good, the others are playing Diamond Back, so I figured I'd come over. I brought a new book."

"You wouldn't rather play cards?" he asked, shocked.

"No, I'd rather not." she said, simply. He admired her honesty, her calmness. "I look forward to showing you how to read. Really, I used to help Bethany and Carver when they were both younger. I'm used to it, and it gives me pleasure."

"You taught your siblings how to read?" he questioned her in disbelief.

"Yes, when father wasn't teaching Bethany to control her powers, of course. I'd work with Carver, mother would cook and clean, she'd help father and make sure things were ready in case we had to run again."

"Run?"

"Yes, we ran from the Templars. I never told you my father was an apostate?"

"No, you didn't."

"Well, my father, Malcome Hawke, he had magic. He had green eyes like mine, and chestnut colored hair like Carver. He was so kind and caring, so loving to us all. My father was an apostate, he taught Bethany to hide her magic, to not get caught or she'd be taken away. She was always careful about her magic too, like he was." the rogue paused. "We'd run from the Templars when ever they came, moving to Ferelden let us stay in the same spot longer then anywhere else.

He was giving, helped anybody he could. My father...He gave Bethany her first staff, Carver his first sword and shield while he got me my first dagger and my first quiver. I still have them, one the only things I could grab before the Blight.

My father gave up his life to save us, to get us away from the Darkspawn during the Blight. He had used fire to block the path, after that he froze the Darkspawn in place before shattering them. Suddenly, a few that had escaped hit him, their swords went right through his robes. Carver sliced of their heads, I used arrows to hit them between the eyes and Bethany tried to heal him. Mother went to help her, but my sister was too late. He was on the brink of death. I remember...his blood pooling around me and my family.

He save us, I am greatful to him, to Carver, to mother. I have Bethany to look after, I promise not to let anything bad happen to her...ever." she managed, tears welling up behind her eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you," Fenris told her. She looked at him, eyes meeting his as a few tears streamed down her face and she wiped them away. It tore at his heart seeing her upset.

"No, it's no problem. I've just never talked about my father, not to anybody." she assured. "But, back to the reason I came, if you want me to go, I will."

"No, I don't. Get the book, Hawke, I think there's still one bottle of wine from when you came over last." he told her. Kathrine gave him her best smile, one she didn't give often, but when she did, he loved to see it.

"Alright," she agreed. "I'll get the wine as well." she added over her shoulder as she walked away.

Fenris looked back down at his wrist, at the favor.

She deserved an answer, she had for the past three years. But he had no answer for her, not yet. Over and over, she had trusted him, from the moment they had met. Trusted him so much to let him sleep with her and to be at her side in battle, to tell him about her father.

She never seemed to hate, not him nor anybody. She was a kind soul, who helped anybody she could. At first, he thought that it was a weakness, but after being with her for years, he saw it was one of many strengths she had.

The woman, one who was honest and calm, one who was sweet and tender, who was loving and quick, who was determined and strong, who was intelligent and nimble, sarcastic and protective.

She had done her best to have Bethany stay away from the Deep Roads, to protect the mage from the Templars and the Circle alike, she had done her best to save her mother as well.

Fenris admired her for everything she had done, for the words she spoke and the way she acted. Who could not admire such a beautiful woman? She was as her name, she was the bird, the hawk.

"Venhedis," he muttered. Her soft footsteps brought him out of his thoughts, her soft green gaze full of churning emotion.

"Hm?" she asked, blinking. In her left hand she held a book, in her right hand, a bottle of aged wine.

"Nothing," he lied.

"Sure," the rogue rolled her eyes playfully. "Come on," she paused. "Do you want to go back to my estate or stay here?"

"I suppose here is fine, but if you wish to go to your estate, I do not mind." he told her.

"I believe that Orana went out with Bodanh earlier, they picked up a few things to eat. Made some pie per Sandal's request. So, we could head over to my estate for that. I'll leave this wine here," she explained, setting it on a nearby table. "Since I have some there."

"Sounds good." Fenris agreed. Hawke turned to leave and looked over her shoulder at him.

"Let's go." she said and kept going. Fenris sighed and fallowed her out of the mansion.


	2. Chapter 2

He took a drink of the wine, it was cold and sweet while the pie she had served was laced with sugar and apples. Now they sat on her bed, a book in her lap.

Her voice was calm and quiet, such a comforting sound for him to listen to. She pronounced the words in the book and had him sound them out.

Hawke paused and blinked her emerald eyes.

"Your doing quit well, Fenris. You know, keep up like this, and you won't need my help anymore." she told him. He wanted to tell her that he enjoyed listening to her speak, but he couldn't manage to say the words, instead he took another drink of wine from the bottle.

"I know, you may not admit it," she continued. "But you have puppy-like eyes," she paused. "And if you don't mind my saying, I think you have beautiful eyes."

"Thank you," was all he said to her before he noticed her skin was flushed when she looked away. When Merrill had teased him, he had argued, but that was Merrill, not Hawke.

Fenris saw her hand move and touch the scarf that was tied around her own wrist. He wondered why she still wore it. Maybe her father. Or as a good luck charm, like she had said when she ripped it.

"I was thinking, I heard that there's a festival," Kathrine's voice pulled him out of his thoughts. She had turned to face him. "And the others were planning on going..." her hand ran across the scarf again. "Would you like to go? It's called the Light Festival. I heard it's been pretty amazing in the past."

"I will come, if you want me too." he told her. A smile twitched onto her lips and she tilted her head.

"Alright, it's tonight, around dusk." she explained. "Let's finish reading a bit more, then I have to get ready."

Fenris sighed but took the book in hand and flipped through a couple pages back to where they had been, then read the words on the page aloud for Hawke to hear.

-x-x-x-

An hour, she never had taken an hour to get ready for something. It must have been important for her to look nice for this festival.

Cerberus was curled up in front of the fireplace, Orana stroking his head. The mabari let out whine and the elven girl smiled.

There were the sound of footsteps and a door opening. Fenris looked up the stairway and noticed Hawke standing by the railing before the chandelier.

The woman's raven hair framed her face and her tattoo had been redone. She was in a green and black dress, matching her eyes and hair. The sleeves went hung on her shoulders, revealing her battle-scarred arms.

The rogue's eyes glittered with pleasure as she made her way down the stairs towards him, heels clicking with each step.

"Do I look alright?" she questioned. Fenris didn't reply, he was mesmerized. by her beauty. She snapped her fingers. "Kat to Fenris, do I look alright?" she repeated.

"You look...fine." he managed. "No, no...you look amazing."

"Tongue tied, hm? I'll take that as a complement." she teased with a slight laugh and her lips curved to a smile before she started toward the door. "Are you sure you don't want to come, Orana? Your very welcome to." she asked.

"I'm sure, mistress. I'll stay here and take care of your mabari." Orana confirmed, not looking away from Cerberus. Hawke sighed then signaled for Fenris to fallow her, and he did.

-x-x-x-

"So, nothing fancy, Fen?" Isabela said, licking meat juice off her lips.

"Your not exactly dressed up, either." he pointed out.

"Toche'." the pirate smirked. Fenris slightly shook his head, he didn't need to wear anything different, did he? Most of them were not, but some were.

He looked to Hawke, the rogue was speaking with Varric and Aveline. Merrill giggled.

"What?" he snapped, turning to face the blood mage.

"I've said it before but, you keep starring at Hawke with sad puppy eyes."

"And I've told you, there are _no _puppy eyes!" he repeated. The elf girl just giggled again before turning to speak with Isabela.

"Would you like some wine, Fenris?" Hawke asked him. He turned, again, to face her. She held two glasses of wine, one more full then the other. She smiled sweetly at him and he took the glass that was full.

"Thank you," he said. Kathrine nodded. Thoughts flew into his mind. "Hawke, I wanted to tell you-" he was cut off when she spun on her heels, hearing her name.

"Hawke!" the voice called.

"Yes, Anders?" she called back, then looked over her shoulder at Fenris. "Would you mind telling me later, Fenris?"

"It's...it's nothing." he lied and she walked off. "Venhedis, fassta vass." he muttered under his breath, taking a seat. "So much for that." he thought, sipping from the glass. It would be a long night for him.

-x-x-x-

The festival had died down, but nobles were still dancing to the colorful music that filled the air.

Isabela and Merrill were both long since passed out, Varric was telling stories to nobles that would listen, Aveline and Sebastian had left, he didn't care where anders went, Hawke had been drinking wine when she came over to him.

"Sorry I was gone so long," she apologized, taking a seat next to him.

"No need to apologize, it was nothing." he sighed. It was a sodding lie!

"Would you like to go for a walk?" she asked.

"Alright," Fenris agreed, getting to his feet. The rogue stood up once more and they walked off.


	3. Chapter 3

It was quiet in Hightown for once, and both Fenris and Hawke enjoyed the quiet.

"About earlier, I'm sorry I left to speak with Anders. I should have heard what you had to say." she said, breaking the silence.

"I told you it was nothing." the ex-slave repeated. Hawke stopped and leaned against a wall.

"Maybe it wasn't, but I should have stayed to..." she trailed off when he put one hand under her chin and lifted her face to his.

"Don't worry yourself," he told her. She regretted leaving to speak with the mage, but he regretted leaving after what they had done in her room.

"I just..."

Her face was so close to his, her scent so sweet, her gaze so soft, her breath so warm.

"I just, I wanted to stay and listen. If it was what I think it was, I had something to tell you." she concluded, slightly tilting her head to the right.

"What would that be?" Fenris questioned her.

"It depends on what you would have said." Kathrine paused. "If it had anything to do with us, then, I would have told you that I miss you. I love you, nobody else but you, Fenris."

"Hawke..." he couldn't find the right words to say. She deserved better then him, she could always find better.

There was a defiant look in her eyes and she blinked.

"I should shut up," she whispered. "I'm acting like a sodding idiot. You're probably not interested in me anymore, I'm okay with that." her expression saddened. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he assured her before laying his lips on hers. Hawke's eyes widened in surprise, but then drifted close after a moment.

He pulled his face away from hers and she smiled softly.

"How could I leave her? If she dies, what will I do?" he thought, and nothing pained him more then thinking that.

"Thank you," she whispered and got away from his grip. She started to walk off but then turned to look at him. "Fenris, I...if you need me, you know where to find me." she added then walked away.

The elf sighed. He knew he shouldn't of done that, it was a mistake, but the look in her eyes and the the feel of her warm lips...

Her words echoed in his mind and he slightly smiled. He wanted her to hate him, but he also wanted her to love him, he knew that now. And soon, he'd make it up to her if she showed interest. He'd come up with an answer for her.

Fenris ' eyes flicker closed then open once again and he head for his house, thoughts focused on the Champion, Kathrine Hawke, once again, and he ran a hand across the favor that was still tied around his wrist.


End file.
